Wednesday

Isn't it just hilarious how one day things seem to be working out great and you feel so pleased with how the future looks, so proud of yourself and you just can't wait to see what happens next and then BAM, someone flips a switch somewhere and suddenly you just stop functioning? Social interaction, hygiene, health, even just getting out of bed in the morning becomes unbearable. 

Living, in general, becomes this burden you're forced to deal with instead of the wonderful, happy experience it has been in the past. 

This has been happening my whole life but it was only a year and a half ago my doctor finally told me why, when I was finally diagnosed with bipolar disorder. I don't like openly talking about this because it's so hard to explain to people who have never lived it, they ask all these questions about it and I can't even really describe what I'm feeling so how can I expect them to understand? And they become so frustrated with me when the bad times drag on and on which is completely understandable because so do I... I want so badly to be able to flip the switch back and I know there are ways but after dealing with depression with hardly any help for my entire life it's hard to get into the habits. The "right" ways to keep the downward spiral from happening is a way of life, not a quick fix, and while I have gotten so much better than I used to be I still have days where I don't function. I can't do a complete 180° over night and suddenly become a fully functional adult human being, it takes baby steps, but I've come such a long way! 

Now that I am doing way more than I used to, life hits me with all these new problems. Back in the day I didn't function socially at all, I slept 16 hours a day and spent the rest of the time online or eating or cutting myself. Having to hide the fact that I was stuck in a depressive period wasn't a real issue. 

Now, I don't know if I should be open and honest about it with the people I'm around, be they friends or coworkers, or hide it to not have to deal with the questions and prejudice, I just know I have to find ways to deal because closing myself off until it passes isn't an option. 

I have called in sick because I couldn't stop crying and it's just not a constructive habit.  

I've been in a funk the past two days, culminating in a rush of emotion(oh, hey, I'm feeling again!) that left me crying like a little girl for half an hour and now I'm just not sure how to feel or what to do next...? So naturally, my first instinct is to blog. 

What. 

Oh, but to keep with the theme of what my blog is all about, here's a photo of the one human being who has inspired me the most, in the 14 months since she was born she has been through so much but has smiled through everything and I refuse to let my illness break her spirit! She is the reason I get up in the morning and my inspiration to turn my life around, to be a good role model for her and give her the care she needs. 

Yay for being extra sappy!